Guest Column from One Person Press Pool
Fake Election, Real Effort
The array of candidates vying for the top seat in POTUS Among Us is nothing if not dizzying. With twelve candidates announcing their bids, the field is noisy and will continue to be as we near the first debate in just over a week. To orient voters prior to that democratic spectacle, here is a round-up of all the candidates, what they stand for, and what to watch out for.
Who they are: Nobody. AKA the first decentralized candidate for President.
What they stand for: Everybody. Returning the government to the people.
What to watch out for: Hacktivist activities. This has serious implications for a virtual campaign, in a fractured society. (Let’s see if they get their hands on that debate…)
Who they are: A TikTok personality with a significant following.
What they stand for: For the moment, unclear. Perhaps the fact she lives at home with her Dad will push her to confront unemployment.
What to watch out for: Social media passive-aggression. This candidate has the ability to roll up her sleeves then roll her eyes.
Richard Cream Jr.
Who they are: A dairy family—”the world’s largest producer of dairy and dairy-related products in the world”—their campaign was launched by Richard Cream Jr., the son with the most “calcium-rich bones” in the family.
What they stand for: The cheddar that’s in your fridge, not in billionaire’s pockets.
What to watch out for: The rest of the family. As this campaign is a classic family affair, the race could get spicy (like pepperjack). It's already started...
Oda "Pock" Garrick
Who they are: A gnome, widow and environmentalist.
What they stand for: The little guy. According to her, Pock has stood up to countless giants (think Fee Fi Fo Fum, not the NRA).
What to watch out for: Spells. We know she is capable of love spells to her enormous family, but is she capable of more?
Who they are: A hungry man.
What they stand for: All diners open at all hours, no exceptions.
What to watch out for: Hanger. The trail, without trail mix, could get nasty out there…
General Kurt Fist
Who they are: A strong, charismatic, attractive man with vague military ties (helmet and bullets).
What they stand for: Power. America. Push-ups.
What to watch out for: Challenging other candidates to physical contests.
Brenna Leighann Berkeley
Who they are: A toddler, pageant winner, and “princess.”
What they stand for: Skittles. Also, surprisingly, climate change and healthcare.
What to watch out for: Her explosive temper is an open secret.
Ana Smith (Anastazja Smirnov)
Who they are: A normal American neighbor in Kansas, or so surrogate Colt Wesson says...
What they stand for: Safety, according to Colt. But this candidate’s influence may be… foreign.
What to watch out for: Cronyism. It seems her family has been known to handle vote counting in her previous elections.
Who they are: Former fourth grade president, space enthusiast.
What they stand for: Fun. No bedtime. Unlimited screen-time. Dessert first. Affordable treehouse care. Deportation of little brothers.
What to watch out for: If you love your little brother, this candidate should terrify you.
Who they are: Reptilian wetlands predator, family man, and high plains drifter.
What they stand for: Wrongs being righted, an anti-bandit platform, and revenge as a concept.
What to watch out for: Teeth (and guns?).
Who they are: A tropical plant with an edible fruit.
What they stand for: Techno, citrus, freedom, enthusiasm, smiling, “going big” — among other things.
What to watch out for: One question lingers… is this candidate ripe for higher office?
Who they are: A young woman fighting for a more fun tomorrow.
What they stand for: S’mores. Recess. Birds. Double Christmas. Karate.
What to watch out for: Intra-family strife. At the end of her campaign announcement video, there seems to be an argument when the camera falls. Is this a tale of a child star thrust too early and too far into the spotlight?