Guest Column from One Person Press Pool
Fake Election, Real Effort
The primary results are in. The Rock Party’s candidate is NOBODY. The Paper Party’s candidate is Richard Cream Jr. and the Cream Family. And the Scissors Party’s candidate is Kaley Gurlbaus. After a primary season that was filled with intrigue from the 15+ candidates, what can we expect now that the field is whittled down and the general election is within sight?
Here’s a look at these three candidates’ performances in the past debates, and what they can foreshadow for the remainder of the election.
THE OPENING STATEMENTS
NOBODY Came Out Swinging (Rock Party)
Farkey is a cokehead. He doesn’t trust the “ruskie.” Thinly veiled threats towards Oda Pock. NOBODY was unhinged. Their voice a hire-wired whirl of attacks, NOBODY’s opening was blunter than the subtle nature of “hacktivist activities.” The hacker collective is spreading ransomware with every phrase.
The Cream Team (Paper Party)
Richard Cream Jr., the most high-profile member of the Cream family, opened up for the Cream Team, bringing specificity to what has so far been an ill-defined family affair — yes, the whole family is running for office. What will the family churn up?
Kaley Gurlbaus (Scissors Party)
Predictably poised (and undyingly cute), Kaley Gurlbaus articulated her platform for a more fun tomorrow, “using the things she’s learned from birds, Girl Scouts karate, and Christmas.” Her enthusiasm, penchant for education, and upbeat persona make for highly professional soundbites.
NOBODY is horny for Pineappley and Endorsed Another Candidate They Previously Insulted
That’s quite a headline. But for NOBODY, it is just another night in politics. In perhaps the most bizarre moment of the debates, NOBODY, when pressed on who they may choose as a VP candidate, said, “I feel a strong connection to the Pineapple, one may say it may almost be sexual.” The omnipresent and poised Regyna Rubenstein was left almost speechless, but she did manage to say “This is a family show.” She was not alone among the candidates and moderators in expressing their chagrin towards this naked, sexual aggression. However, the voters did not seem to mind. Afterall, Pineapples, techno ones included, are a known “libido lifter.”
Not to be overshadowed by their lusty confession, NOBODY followed up with a bang (not Pineappley, to our knowledge), by accepting Pock’s praise that “NOBODY is somebody,” expressing a desire to “hug [her] tiny body” and “rustle [her] eyes for just one moment,” then vowing to vote for her. All while sobbing. For all intents and purposes, this appeared to be a withdrawal and concession. But perhaps it was a highly calculated move, informed by the algorithm’s NOBODY is known to manipulate.
“God Forgive Me, Your Name is Dick Cream.”
In a moment that was anything if not awkward, the Pastor Reverend Penny Jackson from First Baptism Ebenezer (who also solicited donations constantly throughout the debate), asked Richard Cream and his family pointedly, “Have you ever thought of changing your name?”
The Cream family was confused. The Pastor elaborated, “God forgive me, your name is Dick Cream.” The family was appalled.
“How dare you insult our family name.”
“This is despicable.”
No, the family will not be changing their name. They are the “Cream of the Crop.” And after surviving this fluid exchange, they’re even more motivated than ever.
The Pastor summarized, “I guess Dick Cream never goes away.”
“The Generation That Destroys the Environment is Not the One That Pays the Price”
In a moment of sparkling political acumen, Kaley Gurlbaus cited her schoolwork to explain that she and her generation will be the ones both suffering from and leading the fight against climate change. She took the spotlight from Miranda Curie Swift, a candidate whose running issue is climate change, and put it on her vision for the future. It was Presidential, to say the least.
POTENTIAL RUNNING MATES
NOBODY is anybody’s guess. With a sexual remark towards Pineappley, and a glowing endorsement of Oda Pock, these two candidates top the list, but the rationale behind that list is ever-changing and strange as fuck.
Would they even pick a VP? The family runs deep, and many of Richard’s brothers and sisters would love to fill the role.
It’s hard to say. With arguably the most robust platform, she’ll be looking for a running mate that matches her sincerity—but the field, for that characteristic, is scarce. Brenna? Though of a similar age, they’re of vastly different maturity-level. Oda Pock? The sincerity is there, but a gnome and a fourth-grader? Talk about strange bedfellows. Miranda Curie Swift? Their passion for climate change is a unifying policy point. But it is hard to predict. Whoever Kaley chooses, if they inherit her commitment to platform, will form a formidable ticket.
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN THEY DEBATE EACH OTHER
This will be anybody’s night. Kaley Gurlbaus is the predicted favorite. Her poise, commitment to platform, and adorable classroom anecdotes make for a serious Zoom presence. But the Cream family runs deep and likely has tricks up their flannel sleeves. How will they take more “Dick Cream” jokes? NOBODY is willing to say anything. Their open sexual dialogue may ruffle some feathers (and spoil some cream).
Rock, Paper, Scissors is a fascinating game because no one move trumps the rest. It just depends on how they’re played. Tune in to see what happens.
The debate is set for October 29th.
Re-watch the full primary debates here: